Duck Hunter?!

Amazing Discovery!

Scientist have found the well preserved bones of what is thought to be the first Democrat! Homo Optical Rectumitus.

Bear Warning!

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

• If you are  obsessive-compulsive, press 1  repeatedly.
• If you are  co-dependent,  please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are  paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are  delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
• If you are  schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
• If you are  manic-depressive, hang up. It  doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
• If you are  dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
• If you are  bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
• If you have  short-term   memory loss ,  press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have  low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
• If you are  menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
• If  you are blond, don’t press any buttons. You’ll just mess it up.

How To Tell If There Is A Terrorist At The Airport…

OK…Stay Informed..I Think.

I can’t even fathom how you’d accidentally sue yourself.

This is your tax dollars at work folks!

OK. I’m from the South, and I want to know how this turns out!

M.P.G. Study

Recently, a Harvard University study showed that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association indicated that the average American consumes approximately 22 gallons of Alcohol a year.

This means that the average American gets 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American!!!

Warning From The Middle East!

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for President of the United States. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps,and then Motel 6 managers.

It’s getting ugly folks!

9 Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.   (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying %^$# YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about

Obama’s New Running Mate