Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
- If you are blond, don’t press any buttons. You’ll just mess it up.
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